As seen on a pet forum - not my work!
This is the Magic Wand Dog Training Center, we are unable to come to the phone but please press or enter the number for your request, and leave your name and number; we will return your call as soon as possible.
Press 1 if your dog has been asked to leave the local obedience club because she or he won't sit, wait, down,
or come when called, even when on leashed, so you thought you would try agility.
Press 2 if your Labrador is morbidly obese, and you thought you would try agility.
Press 3 if you want 30-minutes of advice and have no intention whatever of paying for it.
Press 4 if you describe your dog as 'a little bit naughty' when what you really mean is that the b*st*rd bites ... hard.
Press 5 if you want puppy-training classes, but your Boxer is already 12 months old.
Press 6 if you believe that just by turning up to one puppy-training class and doing no work whatsoever at home,
your puppy will grow-up to be a well-adjusted companion.
Press 7 if your nervous, aggressive GSD has bitten and hospitalized Aunt Maude, the vet, and your child,
and you want me to re-home the beast - but ONLY to someone who will keep the dog for their natural-lifetime, AND let the dog sleep in bed with the owner... just like home.
Press 8 if you have three children under school-age, an invalid parent living in your home, a partner who often is out of town on business, are pregnant with twins, and want your 8-MO Dalmatian who is never walked to stop chewing everything in sight.
Press 9 if you want to tell me my advice has not worked - even though you have not tried it yet.
Press 10 if you want to be dog trainer and behaviorist because you like animals better than people.
Press 11 if you are 15 years-old and want work experience with me, but would faint if I asked you to pick-up dog poop.
Press 12 if your dog is aggressive with other dogs, but you want to join one of my groups, because it will be so nice for him to have some friends.
Press 13 if you cannot afford my private rates and want a discount, because you only have one BMW.
Press 14 if you are canceling your lesson, due to start in 30-minutes, and have no intention of paying the cancellation fee.
Press 15 if you do not believe in rewarding a dog, and know that clicker training does not work, because your friend Beryl said so.
Press 16 if you think your dog knows he has done wrong when you tell him off, and that he obeys you
because he respects you and acknowledges you as a superior being.
Press 17 if you want me to wave my magic-wand over your contacts / weaves / start-line waits in just one session, and will then tell me it did not work when you go to a show just two days later, with no training in between.
Press 18 if you have eleven Jack Russell bitches in a small flat, and you want me to teach them not to fight with each other.
Press 19 if you already know everything about your breed, because this is the fourth one you have had,
and I cannot tell you anything new.
Press 20 if you want me to pick-up your dear departed dog's ashes from the vets, and keep them at my house because you are much too upset to have them in your home (true!).
Press 21 if you would never use a Gentle Leader, indoor-crate, or harness because they are all cruel.
Press 22 if you will not put a muzzle on your deadly-aggressive dog, because you do not want people to think he is nasty.
Press 23 if you want to leave an increasingly angry third message for this week, demanding an urgent return-call, and yet again forget to leave your name or phone-number.
Press 24 if, having ascertained I am out, you wish to ask my engineer-husband for behavioral advice about your dog.
Press 25 if you wish to fill my answering machine with a complex, incoherently rambling message.
Press 26 if want your intact-male adolescent dog to spend his days lying patiently on the front step of your
unfenced property, because dogs shouldn't want to run away, should they.
Press 27 if you want me to teach your untrained Border Collie to play with sheep because you think this manic dog will like it.
Press 28 if your dog thinks her or his name is "NO".
Press 29 if it is before 8-am or after 10-pm, and you want to ask how to stop your 13-week-old puppy
from biting your 5, 7 and 9 year-old boys when they play-fight with your puppy.
Press 30 if you've taken time to socialize and train your dog, and want to make an appointment to learn more fun stuff.
No need to hold, I'll put you right through!